A Death Unto Life

I have been thinking of all the parents who have been thrust into homeschooling and quarantined with children 24/7.  Our family's life path with Wylie and lessons at home before now has acquainted us with quarantine life.  The changes are not as drastic for us; however, I am sympathetic to others who have had their worlds flipped upside down.

When Guy and Emma were little, I went to counseling for anger issues.  Little disruptions, like Guy not wanting to take a nap (a normal toddler experience), would turn into major fiascos.  One day, I realized the huge gap between the "offense" and my reaction and called a counselor.

At that time, Emma wouldn't really let me put her down.  I wore her in a sling and she sat in a Bumbo seat right beside me if I was cooking, folding laundry, etc.  The grandmas, Gavin, and my friend, Elizabeth, were the only ones who were able to keep Emma for an hour or two.  She would cry for almost the whole time.

I could walk to the counselor from my house and Elizabeth lived right on the way.  I dropped Emma and Guy off with her and continued to the counselor's office.  I will never forget that walk.  I was sad, but also hopeful and humbled.  I remember my whispered prayer of something like, "Lord, help me."

I did not expect an immediate answer but got one whispered back into my heart.  "I am going to heal you so that you can die."  Tears welled in my eyes.  This sounds like a terrible answer, but it wasn't.  

"For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it," (Luke 9:24).

Becoming a Christian is a matter of life and death.  To follow Jesus, you must die to yourself.  You give up being your own boss.  You trade your plans for His.  I wanted to do this more and more. 

The brokenness and shame and guilt of my explosions of anger kept me in a place of trying to "save my life."  Imagine a sprained wrist.  You hold it with the other hand and arm--cradling it, protecting it, preserving it.  I could not lay down my life, because I was holding all the wounded parts with my own hands.  

Jesus' healing allowed me to let it go.  I died to the trying and self-effort of changing myself and dealing with the guilt of my sin.  I received forgiveness and freedom from Jesus in that counseling office.  

This is the thing.  This kind of dying is one that leads to a rebirth--more life of a different kind.  

What is the goal of preserving our lives, Wylie's life, these days with hand washing, six feet of distance, etc.?  The best I know now is that our quarantining of today's times is not out of fear of physical death, but out of love for life with Jesus.  We are losing our lives in one way, entrusting them to God, and letting Him make something of the long days of not doing too much at all.

A friend in Simple Church reminded me that Easter is not just about the crucifixion and resurrection.  Jesus ascended!  He didn't just walk the earth after overcoming the grave, but He went to the Father in Heaven.  We don't see Him with our natural eyes or hear Him with our natural ears now, but He still can be heard and seen!  Jesus said that when He went to the Father that there would be One just like Him who would come.  We know now that the Holy Spirit is that Someone!  Jesus is not limited by time and place anymore.  He is in all places at once.  He lives to intercede for us.

Life with Him is what I am made for, what I had always been looking for, and my greatest hope.  It's not for me alone.  He invites everyone into His life...everyone.  There is no angry momma excluded.  I should know.