Wanted

The time I found out I was pregnant after Neva is still very vivid to me.  We were in Florida on vacation with Katie and Clay and their children to go to Disney.  We thought our family was complete.  God thought otherwise.  We never met that child.  Neither did we hold the next two siblings conceived a year apart who both went to heaven during summer.

I have held a mysterious and heavy burden since that day I realized I was pregnant in Orlando.  My heart shifted and never shifted back to the way it was before getting pregnant unexpectedly.  I have cried and wrestled and wondered and ached and questioned, "Why, Lord, won't you take away this burden to have a child if I'm never meant to have another on earth?"

There is too much to write about the ways He answered my cries, but there are some things I want to share.  One important answer is that having a heavenly child is not something to despise.  Those three children are real and whole.  They are alive in heaven.  They are a blessing to us just like God's Word says they are even though I could not touch their skin, hear their voices, or see them grow.  They are loved.  They are valuable and wonderfully made.

And now, Wylie.  She has lived in the womb for 35 weeks!  When I was newly pregnant, I could not imagine ever feeling her move within me.  What joy to hold and experience her life!

Through her, I have learned something very important about God and my childbearing journey.  Part of my previous angst was wondering why I would continue to want to have a baby.  "I have five healthy children.  Why would I want more?  Why am I unsatisfied?  Is there something missing in my life that I'm trying to fulfill through having a baby?  What is wrong with me?!"  These thoughts would roll around regularly and often in my mind over the past five years.

Then, in the midst of the unknowns about our future with Wylie, as my belly swells and mystery just mounts, God answered again.  "It was Me.  I wanted more children."  What a thing for me to claim!  The God of the universe communicating His desire for people!  I believe Him, though, in part due to these words from the Bible that brought so much healing during my time of earlier grief over miscarriage:

"You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being." (Revelation 4:11)

Each life is created by God on purpose--every single one.  He wanted Wylie.  He made her because He wanted her.  A desire I thought was all mine, wasn't mine alone.  This has brought me so much relief!  I feel confident that I've done my part in being willing.  Before even being born, I know God's will has been accomplished.  She's here!  I am humbled, amazed, grateful.