Whenever I feel overwhelmed by life with Wylie--taking care of her and all her needs, joining therapy with her, persevering in her illnesses, staying up late and waking early with her, holding her gaze with all the questions of whether I am doing enough for her or wondering what she needs or wants--I remember that I, too, am only a youngster. I am a preschooler in being who I am to her and for her. I relax. I let my shoulders go and take a breath. Surely I can only enter God's Kingdom rest when I become like a child.
Now she and I are five! On May 8th, 2024, we celebrated her birth and the new lives that she brought for us with her from the womb, from the Father. One of the aspects of life that I have been meditating about recently is the physical part.
Upon reflection, our first year with Wylie was both bewilderingly glorious and gutting. She lived and then almost died. Then kept living and almost dying. And again a couple more times. I do not know how close she has actually been to physical death, but close enough to have conversations about letting her go--with doctors, with family, with friends, with her.
You may remember me writing that when she turned one, I realized that she was living, not dying, and I shifted.
Her second year was COVID. Her body stayed well and her health improved. What a dream to have Wylie home and well! Like you all, I am also still unpacking what happened to me during the lock-down. I know that I changed. I stopped touching--doors, grocery carts, hands, friends. I got scared and have lived that way in some aspects ever since.
I have spent the last couple of years coming to terms with stress on my body. I lost a bit of vision in my right eye which thankfully is not noticeable to me. My appetite has been shot. Through friends and prayer, I have realized that I was living in fight or flight. My body could not get hungry when it was preparing constantly for the next emergency.
Because of the discomfort of this, I tried to live acknowledging only my soul and spirit. My soul and spirit were confident and sturdy. My soul and spirit were where I could find God. My body just dragged me down. It hindered me. It scared me. It drained my time.
Isn't it ludicrous? My poor body left pitifully neglected as I tried to carry on thinking I didn't need it.
More prayer and more love led me to a new place--acceptance and gratitude for my body. My weak body has done more to dismantle my pride than any fall ever has. My dependence on God has increased and I am the better and happier for it.
You see, He also accepted a body. God is Spirit and also human because of Jesus. Jesus is my inspiration for everything and now even this.
Jesus received His body. He came into the world as a real and full human being. He accepted every part of this, even the suffering, even the dying. I want to receive my body, too, and every part of being a human because that is what. I. am. The dependence, the weakness, the suffering, the stress are characteristics of my one real life. I receive my full life--body, soul, and spirit.
You know who else receives? Yes, you know. You all aren't here just for me.
Our Wylie. Her special body has seemed to betray her many a time. Her soul and spirit have had to buoy her body through so many challenges. She accepts. She rests. She depends. She lives. And now we are both five.
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