Wanted

The time I found out I was pregnant after Neva is still very vivid to me.  We were in Florida on vacation with Katie and Clay and their children to go to Disney.  We thought our family was complete.  God thought otherwise.  We never met that child.  Neither did we hold the next two siblings conceived a year apart who both went to heaven during summer.

I have held a mysterious and heavy burden since that day I realized I was pregnant in Orlando.  My heart shifted and never shifted back to the way it was before getting pregnant unexpectedly.  I have cried and wrestled and wondered and ached and questioned, "Why, Lord, won't you take away this burden to have a child if I'm never meant to have another on earth?"

There is too much to write about the ways He answered my cries, but there are some things I want to share.  One important answer is that having a heavenly child is not something to despise.  Those three children are real and whole.  They are alive in heaven.  They are a blessing to us just like God's Word says they are even though I could not touch their skin, hear their voices, or see them grow.  They are loved.  They are valuable and wonderfully made.

And now, Wylie.  She has lived in the womb for 35 weeks!  When I was newly pregnant, I could not imagine ever feeling her move within me.  What joy to hold and experience her life!

Through her, I have learned something very important about God and my childbearing journey.  Part of my previous angst was wondering why I would continue to want to have a baby.  "I have five healthy children.  Why would I want more?  Why am I unsatisfied?  Is there something missing in my life that I'm trying to fulfill through having a baby?  What is wrong with me?!"  These thoughts would roll around regularly and often in my mind over the past five years.

Then, in the midst of the unknowns about our future with Wylie, as my belly swells and mystery just mounts, God answered again.  "It was Me.  I wanted more children."  What a thing for me to claim!  The God of the universe communicating His desire for people!  I believe Him, though, in part due to these words from the Bible that brought so much healing during my time of earlier grief over miscarriage:

"You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being." (Revelation 4:11)

Each life is created by God on purpose--every single one.  He wanted Wylie.  He made her because He wanted her.  A desire I thought was all mine, wasn't mine alone.  This has brought me so much relief!  I feel confident that I've done my part in being willing.  Before even being born, I know God's will has been accomplished.  She's here!  I am humbled, amazed, grateful.

Moon Glow

The students I get to lead in Classical Conversations Challenge B program (8th graders) are persevering in Latin.  Their first semester was a review.  This half of the year they are attacking new material.  We are plodding a well-worn path that is full of benefit if we can just keep going.  Today, we practiced non-reflexive pronouns.  These are distinguished from the reflexive type by the fact that they don't refer to the subject of their own clause, but to someone or something else.  This relates to thoughts I keep having about our family's circumstances.

People have been so kind as to express their admiration of how we are dealing with Wylie's unknowns.  I am encouraged by these strengthening words people share so generously.  At the same time, I have this ever-present desire to offer an explanation. 

What you see in our lives and read on this blog is a synthesis, a celebration, the glory of God and people.  I am a non-reflexive pronoun.  I refer and defer to the Triune God revealed through the Bible and the thousands of years of history He has given us upon this earth.  I reflect the love and light of countless people offering prayers, compassion, help, and encouragement.  My life expresses Another's will and way.

You have probably heard the story about Moses.  The Bible records how Moses would go up on Mount Sinai to meet with God.  There, they would talk.  The Creator would reveal right and wrong, good and evil and Moses would listen and then descend with a glowing face.  Moses' face did not glow because of the effort he put into listening.  The light did not beam from Moses' inner radiance nor could he capture the light from the sun upon his own brow.  The glow came from Another.

Moses would veil his face so the people wouldn't see the "glory" fading away from his skin.  Interestingly, we can all be like Moses.  We can "go up the mountain" and meet with God.  I do this, but I'm fascinated by the difference:

"We are not like Moses. He kept covering his face with a veil. He didn't want the people of Israel to see the glory fading away... In fact, to this day the same veil is still there... It isn't removed, because only Christ can remove it. But whenever a person turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. This Lord is the Spirit. Wherever the Lord's Spirit is, there is freedom.  As all of us reflect the Lord's glory with faces that are not covered with veils, we are being changed into his image with ever-increasing glory. This comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." (2 Corinthians 3:13-18)

One of my favorite verses in the Bible is this one:

"Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." (Psalm 34:5)

Isn't that amazing?  Gazing into the face of the perfect, holy, God with an uncovered face leaves one radiant!  Not ashamed!  Free!  Not enslaved!  And speaking of pronouns--please notice the "all of us," "we," "those," and "their" in these Bible verses. You probably know that these pronouns are plural.  This journey is a collective experience.  There is no longer a single man going up the mountain with the rest of the people stuck at the base hoping to get a glimpse of shimmer that may escape the veil.

No, there is freedom to ascend through Jesus Christ.  By His Spirit, we, with unveiled faces, approach the Father of Heaven who casts His glory upon us leaving us radiant.  Let us keep looking to Him together.