Loved Like You've Never Been Loved

If you know us, you know that Gavin and I love the band Over the Rhine.  We have been fans for so long.  We have seen them so many times.  Their music is truly a soundtrack for our lives.  In fact, our Christmas present to each other every year is tickets to their annual Christmas concert in Cincinnati. 

The Christmas Concert is always saturated with meaning and expectation for me.  Without fail, I have a holy moment with God at some point during the set; think Michaelangelo's Adam and God touch on the Sistine ceiling.  This year was no different.  They offered this new song from their album "Love and Revelation" as a benediction:



I opened myself to this blessing that night.  With moist eyes and the kind of ache caused by beauty in my heart, I received these words:  "May God love you like you've never been loved." What a wonderous invocation!  How sincere, how peace-loving, how pure, how merciful!  The goodness of it stirred hope.

It has occurred to me since then as I have received hug after hug, prayer after prayer, kindness after kindness, that this is happening.  Right now, we are being loved like we've never been loved!  The effect of it could not amaze me more.  As I've written, Love has made a place for rest.  Love has also acted like a buoy, keeping us afloat above our circumstances, anchored though living on a storm-tossed sea. 

I extend the same to you, friends, family.  May God love you like you've never been loved.

Be Still

Latest medical update:  This past week we were referred to UK hospital for further treatment.  We will have our first meeting with doctors there on March 1st.  Wylie's scan last Thursday looked similar to her 22-week one and she is measuring in the 20th percentile.  Our prayer is, "Grow, Wylie, grow!"

"The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still."  (Exodus 14:14)

Moses spoke these words to the Israelites when they were hemmed in by the Red Sea before them and the Egyptians advancing from behind.  Unimaginable!  Having just been released from slavery, they find themselves seemingly left for slaughter in the wilderness.  Of course, they were terrified and outraged.  Then, the waters parted.  They walked through a SEA on dry land.

"Quiet!  Be still!"  (Mark 4:39)

Jesus commanded the stormy waves with these words and the Sea of Galilee became glass.  This was right after he was awoken by the disciples who cried, "Teacher!  Don't you care about us?  We are going to drown!"

All the circumstances for the Israelites and disciples pointed to death.  These people rightly thought that they were going to die.  This terrified them because they were never meant for it.  It happens to all, but it was never intended for anyone.  Death is our enemy and it goes against every fiber of our being.

Wylie, also, was created for life, not death.  The circumstances of her existence are similarly as perilous as the previous examples.  (Although, doctors are considering mosaic trisomy-18 since she is missing many of the physical markers of the full disorder).  Death threatens her and threatens us.

Yet, we have this hope:  Jesus told Mary, the sister of Lazarus, His beloved friend whom He raised from the dead, "I am the resurrection.  I am the life.  Everyone who believes in me will have life, even if they die." (John 11:25)  This Jesus, who is Life, who is Resurrection, proved the truth of these claims just weeks later.

Now, having overcome death, He puts Himself into us.  The very Spirit that brought Jesus up from the grave now resides in His people--in me.  The blood that stopped flowing and started again pumps through my body--through Wylie's body. (I Corinthians 6:19).

In fact, I was struck by the reality of this through a friend's prayers for me over the phone today.  Her prayer wasn't magical and I didn't have any physical sensation except for uncontrollable sobbing.  The tears were not brought by sadness, but by an overwhelming sense of being known by God, loved by God, helped by God.  His nearness is tangible.  His victory is absolutely evident.  We do not have to worry about being enough or doing enough for Wylie.  He has done it all for us!

We can be still.  The LORD has fought this battle and won.  Death has been defeated.

Some thoughts from Gavin

I have sat down numerous times to summarize my thoughts about the news we received last week and it has been too difficult.  There are so many things swirling in my mind—many of which I know are not good or true.  What am I to make of being told some of the seemingly worst news I could receive awaiting the birth of our baby?  It was taking too long to put these thoughts in any coherent statement, but I have found it important to at least jot down some of them, albeit in a random fashion…

*  Wylie is a gift.  Regardless of her diagnosis or presence of Trisomy 18, she is a person who is alive and has value because she is made in God’s image. 

* Wylie is not suffering.  She is kicking, living, moving, and growing. Karla’s health is good.  The only difference in this week and last is that we have an 89% positive Trisomy-18 blood screen report (with her other choroid plexus cysts and heart defect the doctor said it’s more like a 95% positive).

* A 5% chance of health is no small thing.  Besides, God is not bound by percentages or predictions.

* Karla and I, at the end of the day, really are called to be her advocates.  It's sobering to realize that we live in a world that says Wylie only has value if we want her to have value.  She is only a person if we say she is a person.  This description of the world's viewpoint causes me to feel, with extreme clarity, the sad and hopeless reality that comes with it.  If we gave up fighting for Wylie and advocating for her, no one would stop us.  If we gave up on any of our other children, we would go to jail.  With Wylie, we realize that we are her only line of defense from being disregarded.  Wylie, and others like her, truly are the most vulnerable among us.

* If Christianity isn’t true, then Wylie does not have value.  I can’t possibly elaborate on this now because it would take a long time, but I’m convinced it is true.  She is made in His image and thus has immense value regardless of what we think.

*  I have always sought to avoid pain and suffering; if that be taking our kids to the hospital for shots or helping a kid at the skate park with an injury.  I’ve usually looked for someone else to step in and take over for me.  Even before this news, God has been preparing to change this in me.  I'm realizing the desire to avoid pain and suffering is really a desire to avoid love, because if there is no love, then there is no pain.  Failing to love out of fear of suffering will lead to a failure to understand the power of the Cross. A few months ago, I asked God to show me just how much He loves me and to have a better understanding of what the Cross means.  I think this prayer is being answered.

* None of us know what the future holds.  Two weeks ago, I would have never imagined life as it is now.   But the reality is that all of us, at any given time, can have sudden life alterations.  Considering these traumas both random and filled with hopelessness is what produces confusion and anger.  Could the happenings of life be purposeful?  Meaningful?  I say yes based on my life experiences and my walk with God up to this point.  In fact, I believe that God really does hold my future and knows far better than me what is best for my family and me. 

*  When I picture a future full of fear and pain, it's usually because I'm not picturing a future where Jesus is with my family and me.  When I picture Him there with us, as He is now, regardless of the situation, there is peace.

*  I have a new sympathy with those facing abortion.  The option to terminate the pregnancy must seem like your only one when you are without hope, facing the possibility that your life is going to be completely different than you imagined, feeling unable to cope, and with a supportive media and medical community (which has offered us this option on several occasions).  However, I am also convinced, more than ever, that this seemingly "easy out" is a trap of the worst kind.  

There are more thoughts that I could list, but this is enough, for now, other than to say that words cannot adequately express the gratitude and love that we have felt from so many who have sent us food, prayed with us, called, and visited.  It's truly amazing to see so many people walk into a painful situation instead of sending someone else, like my tendency often is.  Thank you.  I know that Wylie is a gift who will continue to teach us all a wonderful thing about Him and His love.  

I Want What I Have

My husband is my high school sweetheart.  By Wylie's due date, we will have enjoyed 19 years of marriage.  We help plant churches together.  Gavin coaches and I teach Pilates.  He loves sports.  I love to read.  Through our love, devotion, and affection for one another, God has brought five people into this world and four others (that we know of) straight into heaven.  I want Gavin as my husband.  I don't always want our differences or having to deal with what I consider messiness or inattentiveness.  I'm sure he doesn't always want my occasional nagging or rudeness.  Yet, we want what we have.  We have each other and we want one another.

My friend shared this idea with me a couple of years ago.  As to advice about coping with challenging familial patterns she remarked, "I try to want what I have."  I had to ponder that comment awhile.  It caused me to wonder how much of my disappointment, discouragement, frustration, and critical spirit comes from the opposite attitude.  How often does my heart cry, "I don't want this.  I don't want what I have!"?

Enter precious Wylie.  What do we want?  We want her to have the best care we can find or provide.  We want her to be whole and healthy.  We want to care for her.  We want her to know the love of her siblings, family, and friends.  We want a lot!  But what if?  What if she doesn't have her health?  What if we don't get to care for her very long at all?  What if she passes from this earth without discovering the love of her people here?  What if she breaks our hearts beyond our comprehension?  Do we still want her?

My answer to this question became even clearer on Sunday during church family's gathering. Our friend led us through a time of focus on God's attributes and places in the Bible where those characteristics are expressed.  One, in particular, stood out to me:

DESPISED

"He [Jesus] was like someone people turn away from; He was despised, and we didn't value Him." (Isaiah 53:3b)

Jesus was a humble carpenter.  When He announced who He really was, people basically scoffed, "Isn't he just from Nazareth and Joseph, the carpenter's, son?" incredulous that He was anybody special at all.  He lived nomadically.  He had no home.  He never strove for notoriety, popularity, or power.  He spent time with just a few friends and others who were of ill repute or outsiders.  The crowds grew at times but dwindled down to just a couple people who were devoted and brave enough to be near Him in a seemingly devastating defeat--His crucifixion.  The verse from Isaiah is a prophecy about Jesus.  It was written hundreds of years before it came true when the crowds hollered, "Crucify Him!" and the soldiers mocked Him.  Who could call this no-name failure, Savior?

These are the verses that follow the one above:

"Surely He took up our infirmities
     and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
     smitten by Him, and afflicted.
But He was pierced for our transgressions,
     He was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him,
     and by His wounds, we are healed."  (Isaiah 53:4-5)

As I consider Jesus who brought peace with God and healing despite our despising Him, I think of our Wylie.  There are many things about Wylie, in general, that people may consider unfavorable:  an unknown future, a very short life-span, a fragile heart condition, possible genetic abnormalities that could lead to serious problems.  And yet, I want what I have.  I want this baby girl no matter.  I realize that God (Father, Son, and Spirit) creates people in His image.  Wylie carries part of this image of Jesus that may turn people away from her. 

My heart has been wooed by Jesus.  More than anything else, I want HIM!  How precious that He and I can say, "I am my Beloved's and He is mine."  I want what I have.  He has given us Wylie as a precious gift.  I want what we have in her.  I want what I have.